Afterthought
by LisaDouglas
Summary: After several years of marriage, Judy tires of being Alistair's afterthought.
1. Afterthought

Chapter One: An Afterthought

October 2011

"Jack, Jack don't run so far ahead!" Judy cautioned, catching up with her six-year-old son.

Jack Deacon turned back to look at his mother, shooting her a look of great disappointment. The little boy, who had a sore throat that day and couldn't talk very well, hung his head low and grabbed his Mom's hand when she reached for him.

"Sweetheart, you needn't feel so disappointed, I'm sure you'll have fun today, even though you've got a temperature."

Judy had really wanted to keep her children home in bed, but of course she'd promised her Mum they'd be over and she felt like she couldn't break the promise. Jack looked over at his baby sister Julie who was bundled up in her stroller, kind of staring at him, and his middle sister, Jocelyn who held her mother's hand tightly and looked back at her brother, rolling her eyes, impatient with his antics and un-bounding energy.

Jack and Jocelyn didn't get along well and Judy knew it was because they were mini versions of her husband and herself: Jack was an Alistair junior if there ever was one, and Jocelyn was a mini Judy. Her children's relationship reminded her of times in the past when Alistair hadn't been her favorite person in the entire world and she hated that. Today though, she understood it.

"Jack if you really don't feel well we don't have to go to Grandmum's we can go home. That would be alright." She said, running her fingers through his dark brown hair very gently.

Jack shook his head no at this and continued to walk. He wanted to see his Grandparents before his big game. It was Jack's first day, you see, playing competitive football, in a boy's league of course.

"I'm sure you can have some custard tarts with Grandfather, if you'd like." Judy suggested, she smiled, seeing her little boy become more excited at this suggestion.

Lionel hadn't been happy with the idea of becoming a grandfather at very first after all he wasn't really Judy's Dad. But after a while he'd warmed up to it, mostly because the little boy liked him, just like his Dad always did. Because of that, Lionel warmed up to being a grandfather, just as he'd warmed to living with Jean, Judy and Sandy many years before. And now he spent what one might consider to be a lot of time with his grandson Jack.

Jack broke away from his mother again and ran up the steps of his grandparent's house. He stood on his tiptoes and rang the bell.

"Jack, honey, be careful, don't slip." Judy warned, dragging Julie's stroller up the steps.

Jocelyn, a dark-haired girl one year her brother's junior, with bright eyes and dimples, hadn't really wanted to venture out of the house that day, but no one had really consulted her on the matter: they never did.

"Oh hello love!" Jean exclaimed when she answered the door.

Jack hugged her legs. She ushered him inside and took Jocelyn by the hand. Jocelyn loved Jean. Many times, she felt like she was the only person who didn't forget her.

"Hi Mum. Jack isn't talking today, he's got a sore throat."

"Oh! Poor baby." Jean soothed.

The five converged in the sitting room when Judy's phone began to ring. She answered it, almost apprehensively.

"Hello darling!" Alistair chimed not having any idea that his wife was not in the least pleased with him.

"Alistair will you be here later…you know…for the thing?" Jean sensed anxiousness in her daughter's voice when she asked this, knowing that she was trying to be discrete she didn't want Jack to understand.

"I'm sorry love, I'll be in late. I have to go to Paris to see a poet. There's a _chance_ I'll make it."

Jean could hear him on the other end of the line and didn't know what to say for just a moment. Instead, she just watched, as her daughter seemed to stare off into space momentarily before answering.

"But Alistair you promised!" Judy replied angrily.

"Jack, Joce, your grandfather's in the kitchen making some toast, how about you go and see if he'll make some for you, huh?" Jean asked sweetly, pushing the kids out of the room so she could be alone with Judy.

"It's just the same as it always was, isn't it?" Judy asked, hanging up the phone and beginning to take her baby out of her stroller.

"Oh love I…"

"Don't lie to me Mum. He's going off here…and there…its just like it always was except now my name's changed."

"So you're married, to him, you're his wife now, try to make him stay; talk to him about it."

Truthfully Jean was worried. She didn't want her hopelessly romantic daughter to be crushed like this.

"I didn't mean that part: I'm not Judy anymore, I'm just Mum." She said, finally turning her eyes to Jocelyn.

"You feel trapped; don't you love?" She asked carefully.

"Yes." She said after a moment. "And I-I wouldn't mind if he, if he were doing this to just me. But the kids. To Jack in particular… he just crushes his son, Mum." Judy confided. She thought that's why her son had always been so attached to her stepfather, because he found acceptance with him that he didn't with his own dad. "I wish he'd do more than just popping into our lives trying to win us over with fun things…can we stay here tonight?" She asked anxiously. "I would just as soon not be there when he gets home."

"Love he'll just come right here when he discovers you're gone."

"Sure. But it's the message it sends: that I want to be with my family."

…..

"Where's my Dad?" Jack asked. His mother froze and looked up at him from her place knelt on the ground, helping him put on his cleats.

Several hours had passed and it was time for Jack's football game. His throat felt a little better and he was excited about playing; he was even more excited about the possibility of his dad showing up to see him play. Everyone else was there: his grandparents, his sisters, Sandy, Harry and their two children (their son, Ryan a year Jack's senior was on the team also), even Stephen and Penny had come out for the event.

"Mum he promised he'd be here." Jack whined as she finished tying his shoes. Judy looked up, her heart sunk when she realized he was crying.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry." Judy said, wiping her son's tears off his tiny cheeks. "It's just that Daddy's selfish."

"Selfish?" He asked.

"He loves you, but he does what pleases him: he puts himself first."

"Why?" Jack sniffled.

"Because he likes himself a whole lot."

"That sounds like Daddy." He agreed.

"Yes, it does. And I'm sorry." She said, hugging him. "But I'll be here for you."

…..

"Mum can I talk with you and Lionel about something?" Judy asked, poking her head in the living room door. She'd just put all the children to bed and had come to a long, difficult decision about her life.

"Yes of course love, come in." Jean said.

Judy sighed sadly, sitting down next to her mother on the sofa, and across from her stepfather. Lionel looked back at her with sad, concerned eyes, wondering if he was going to have to intervene on her behalf with her husband once again. He'd done so countless times over the many years they'd all known each other, over everything from his walking away, to her rejecting him, to having to convince him to be there for the birth of his son (he'd been too afraid to be there). The list was endless. But given all that, Lionel realized he understood Alistair far better than anyone, maybe even his wife. He didn't ignore his family because he didn't love them…he just didn't know how to stop being him and had never really had family before them.

"Mum, Lionel. I-I may need some help from you. Not financially of course, there's plenty of money where Alistair is concerned."

"Of course." Lionel added.

"But. I-I think I want to have a trial separation." She bit her lip; Jean's eyes grew wide.

"But…" She protested.

"Look." Judy began. "He's already done it himself, hasn't he? But I want to make it official."

"Are you sure you've thought this through?" Lionel inquired.

"Thoughoughly. I don't deserve to be his afterthought anymore and neither do my children."

"But he loves you." Jean protested, realizing it was an awful thing to have said.

"If he loves me so much, then where is he? He's with a poet in Paris."

"Are you saying you think he's being unfaithful?" Jean asked.

Lionel knew Alistair would never do that, but elected not to say anything. Judy wasn't sure what the answer to that question was either. She'd been with the man, in some capacity for nearly two decades now, and he didn't think that he'd really cheat…but lately she wasn't sure.

She sighed again. "Look, if he can play games with me and put me on the backburner there comes a time when its time to do the same with him. I'm sorry if it hurts everyone's feelings but, I think its best."

Jean stared back at her daughter, knowing she was on the verge of tears. She was crushed by the whole idea. Suddenly the doorbell rang. The three of them froze; knowing whom it was without moving an inch.

"I suppose it's bedtime." Judy announced. "Goodnight Mum, goodnight Lionel." She said, leaving the room.

Jean and Lionel didn't move, the house silent with the exception of Judy's loud footsteps as she hurried up the stairs. Jean jumped when and the bell rang again.

"Well." Lionel sighed begrudgingly, having already known he'd have to go out with his stepson-in-law that night. "I suppose it's time for swift half isn't it?"

"Yes. And my turn to try to defuse a really bad idea." Jean added, jumping again when she heard Judy slam her door.


	2. Little Afterthoughts

Chapter Two: Little Afterthoughts

"What is it?" Judy asked, annoyed when her mother knocked on her door. "You're not going to convince me to take him back."

Her husband's arrival downstairs had woken their six-month-old baby and needless to say she was angry about it.

"No I'm not." Jean bit her lip, watching her daughter carefully as she stood bent over the crib, lifting the baby into her arms and rubbing her back in circles.

"It'll take another hour for her to go down again." Judy gave an exasperated sigh. "But he never has to deal with that now does he?"

"He was good with Jack when he was a tot."

"It was novel then. He was fun to play with… when he was a baby."

"Love you don't mean that."

"What else could I mean? And quit trying to change my mind. I'm done."

"But you've more to think about now than…"

"That's my point." Judy bit her lip.

"How would it really suit the children?" Jean sighed.

"You and I made it on our own."

"And not out of my wanting to." Jean reminded almost sharply. "Judy… I didn't raise you to be trice divorced." She confessed and Judy turned on a dime, her eyes glaring at the judgment. "I know you think it right for them…. But it's wholly unright."

"It's unfair for me to walk out on a man who has already walked out on them?!" Judy's sharp tongue caused the baby to fuss. "Oh… shu, shu Julie mummy's sorry, mummy's…oh no." Judy paused when her lips brushed her baby's head.

"What?"

"Oh it's… she's got a fever I think…"

…..

"But WHY Li!"

Lionel Hardcastle wanted to shoot himself. 'It's none of my business Alistair,' he wanted to say. But it was. For years now he'd been saying that he wasn't Judy's father or even really her stepfather. But after so much effort spent defending her honor, and moreover, helping to patch up her relationship with the man before him, Lionel was beginning to suppose he'd inadvertently earned his place as a father whether he liked it or not.

He sighed, not really knowing what to say. Part of him wanted to toss the boy, turned middle-aged publisher out on his ear and have done with it. Another part of himself sympathized with Alistair, deeming the whole bloody thing nonsense.

"Alistair you're never around, ever notice that?"

"Well of course Li, but that's never bothered her before."

Lionel was tired and at the end of his rope. "You'll just never learn will you?" He laughed, almost humored now.

Lionel got up and tucked his newspaper back in the chair where he'd been sitting.

"Where are you going Li?"

"To bed." He told his stepson-in-law.

"But Li…" Alistair followed the much older man to the stairs.

"Just. Just go home. Think about it over night." Lionel pressured.

He jaunted up the stairs without another word leaving the sullen younger man alone in the foyer.

"Grandfather." A raspy little voice caught Lionel's ear and Alistair's too.

"Hello Jack." Lionel whispered, picking up the little boy.

"Is that my dad?" He whispered, feeling a little torn at not being allowed to see him.

"I think." Lionel said, instead of acknowledging Alistair's presence. "That its time for bed."

"Is it because daddy's selfish?" He asked, closing his eyes and laying his head on his grandfather's shoulder, feeling that if nothing else he had him.

Alistair heard the whole thing from his place at the end of the stairs and felt his heart begin to plunge into his feet. Suddenly he heard footsteps coming down the stairs and recalled that he'd been asked to leave. He opened the front door quickly and slammed it, making it sound as if he'd left, before bolting into the living room to hide. He watched carefully as Judy passed, their baby in her arms and waited a beat before following them into the kitchen.

"Boo!" Alistair laughed and Judy almost screamed.

"Alistair!" She burst, catching her breath. "Don't scare me like that. What are you doing here?" She asked, knowing very well that Lionel had asked him to leave.

"Just _**being**_ here. It's what you want, isn't it?"

She sighed. "Normal _**being**_ here."

"What's wrong with Jule…" He asked, pressing his hand against the infant's forehead.

"Just a fever, I'm going to make a bottle, put her down." She turned back to making the bottle, wanting to say as little to him as possible.

"Well then let me hold…"

"It's too late!" She snapped.

"W-what?"

It'd been twenty-years since they first met. And all throughout their on again, off again relationship, she'd never said anything like that to him before and he couldn't believe his ears.

"What do you mean, we have three children?! I think it's too late for too late!"

"Just leave." She demanded, looking back at him as she went to warm the bottle.

"Judy I…"

"I'm finally up to here with you! You missed his game! His big first game he was so excited about Alistair! You missed his game and tore out his little heart. You've done that to me for years and I'm a big girl I've taken a lot of disappointment…" She declared, almost about to start crying. "But I won't just sit and watch you do that to my children."

"Our children Judy." He corrected.

"Our? Well then where were you today? When he needed you? Where've you been, for that matter, all this one's life?"

He'd been in and out and in and out for must of their youngest child's short six months of life.

"I don't think I can even count a whole day you were with us, much less just a few hours!" She said, taking the bottle and heading into the hall.

"But Judy I've been…"

"I don't care!" She cried, opening the front door. "You're here or there… or everywhere but here. Now go on, go!"

"But I want to see my children! I'm not leaving until I get to see them."

"Funny! Where are you when they need you most? Ask yourself that."

"Judy I really want to…"

"Fine! Be round tomorrow at noon, of course I doubt you'll bother to come what with there probably being some poet in Paris!"

"Judy that's not fair."

"Not fair? I'll tell you what's not fair, being your afterthought. It crushes me and I'm done being crushed!"

"Judy I can explain…."

"You've explained the last twenty-years away that way: go NOW I'm done!" She cried, slamming the door in his face.

Judy turned to see her mother and two older children standing in awe at the foot of the stairs. Jocelyn, a sensitive romantic soul, burst into tears and ran back to bed, her grandmother at her heals. But Jack plopped down on the stair step, his sinking heart mirroring his now cowering little disposition. Judy continued to cry, not having the strength to address her children's emotional needs and went into the living room to feed her now sobbing baby. Lionel watched his grandson for a moment as he stared off into the distance: pained and so dreadfully alone, just like his father (the boy publisher without a family) had been before him.

"Here little boy. It'll be all better." Lionel promised. "Mummy and daddy always get through their rows."

But this time, Lionel was not so sure.

…

"I don't want to go." Jocelyn pouted, her hands pressed against her face.

"It's just your dad. It'll be alright." Sandy encouraged.

The three siblings sat on the edge of their grandmother's staircase waiting in limbo for their father to pick them up for the afternoon… or not. Jack's stomach churned, Jocelyn was about ready to cry and Julie felt a bit sniffly. Judy found she couldn't face Alistair following the previous evening's row and left the children in the care of their _Aunt_ Sandy for the exchange.

Sandy was distressed; surprised to find her friend so upset when she arrived. Like Lionel, she now wondered if this argument would blow over as Judy and Alistair's rows tended to do. She'd never seen it like this. Jack, meanwhile, stared at the door. He was torn between wanting to run into his father's arms when he arrived, and never wanting to see him again. He wondered what he'd do… if he even came.

"I don't wanna see daddy." Jocelyn shook her head, echoing her mother's sentiments.

Jack ached deep in his gut and started rocking himself back and forth, hoping deep inside that he'd come for them. As mad as he was, he had to come for them. Didn't he? Noon came and went without a sound from the phone or a knock on the door. Jocelyn scurried up the stairs on her hands and knees as quickly as they could, but Jack Deacon struggled to get to his feet, feeling all breath leave his body. He turned with a deep regret in his heart he couldn't reconcile and took his first step toward his room when all of a sudden the door burst open behind him.

"Daddy!" Jocelyn squealed, rushing down the stairs and into their father's arms.

But Jack found he couldn't move, and simply watched, an anger he could barely fathom brewing in his mind.


End file.
